This time last year. This time next week.
It's a game I've played with myself for a long time. I am a planner and a reminiscer, so I'm always thinking in those terms. I count down to big events - this time next month I'll be married. This time next week I'll be a mom. And I like to think back on milestones. I still hold Cadence on every birthday, if I can at his birth time, and think about where I was and what I was doing this time last year, 4 years ago, etc.. Aside from looking forward and counting down the days until I'm no longer pregnant (because at some point I always went from counting down the days until the baby was here to just not wanting to be pregnant anymore!) I haven't really looked forward in time with my kids. I've already learned how quickly the time goes by and I am conscious of not wanting to wish anything away.
But I have been counting down until tomorrow. I'm not sure I've counted down an event I have dreaded more. From the moment we had a surgery date, I have thought of that date every single day. I've been wanting it to hurry up and get here, while at the same time just hoping it never comes. I know he'll be okay, and we have no choice really about having to have this surgery, so I know in the end all will be well, but it's been like a cloud that just hangs over me. Being on this side of it - looking at what we have ahead of us - has just plain sucked. But I know once we're on the other side of it, I'll be okay. I just have to get to the other side. (As a side note - this is something I've been telling friends since we had our date - "can't wait to be on the other side". As it turns out - a lot of cranio parents refer to it in that way. Who knew I would finally be hip and on a trend, not 10 years behind!)
So this time tomorrow, my sweet, drooly, open-mouthed smiling baby boy will be in surgery. I can hardly believe it. We had our pre-op appointment on Monday and got the low down on pretty much everything. And I was reminded of how all the little details of it are what really bothers me. Today is the last day I will nuzzle his baby hair, because tomorrow they shave it all off. Starting tomorrow, his head will forever bear the scar of what he's had to go through. Tomorrow I will have to somehow find the strength to hand over my sweetheart to what are essentially strangers. This is probably the moment I have feared the most. But I know I will get through it. And this time next week we will be home. And my smiley boy will be back, though with a rounder head, and this will just be something I look back on a month, a year, 10 years from now.
As a member of 'the other side' we are waiting for you, your family, and most importantly Connor to join us. Your post could have been my words exactly. Our surgery date was June 2, 2011...this time LAST YEAR! My prayers are with you for strength, with the doctors for skilled work, with the nurses for patience and skilled work, and with Connor to getting back to being a 6 month old as quickly as possible.
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